Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Divine Mechanics 101

I had to replace my windshield wipers yesterday. And by "I" .. I mean my grandfather had to do it after I'd dessimated the wiper blade holder thingamy trying to get the thing off the wiper arm where it had apparently been welded on in 1992 when the car was built to keep it from flying off. This thing could have withstood the four horsemen of the apocolypse dancing across the windshield.

The instructions, which were, of course, the very last resort, made removal of this wiper blade holder from hell sound so easy. "If you have a star-shaped nut and washer, use needle nose pliers to squeeze the tabs up and pry off of the wiper arm" Sounds easy enough!

The first problem was that my needle nose pliers were missing in action. It wasn't a surprise, just an inconvenience. So, I used a screwdriver -- 'cause screwdrivers and needle nose pliers are SO similar .. and in the hands of a woman that is near to having a psychotic break because she can't do something as simple as replace a windshield wiper without an act of congress, they are both equally effective in the manner she intends to use them.

When the screwdriver slipped and smashed into the windshield, I realized .. hey, this might not be the best idea I've ever had ... so I returned to the house for a towel ... and the hammer.

I drive a Blazer ... so the windshield wipers are not exactly at a good height for me to get at them, so I had to climb up on the hood of the car, which put me right in front of the garage window, where my neighbors had a good view of me beating the fire out of something that they could not see. I was glad that nobody came up missing in our neighborhood, or I'm sure the cops would have been at my door to ask questions. Of course, one look at the mangled windshield wiper thing and they would have given me that look, and then left. You know that look .. the one men give women when they've screwed up something mechanical, or after a conversation like -

Me: The brakes are making a weird noise.

Him: How long have they been making that noise?

Me: I don't know, a while.

Him: (while taking the wheels off to check the brakes) How long is a while?

Me: Um, I dunno, a couple months.

Him: If it was making a noise, why didn't you tell me sooner?

Me: Oh, it wasn't bothering me, I just turned the radio up.

Him: Do you see this 1/8-inch groove in the rotor? That's what happens when you wear completely through a pair of brake pads...and keep driving.

*ahem* yeah ... I got the look after that.

But, I digress.

I finally had to admit defeat and call the grandfather to come take the wiper off, 'cause I was not about to go to the garage and ask them to finish removing the wiper that was so badly mangled there was no way I could have driven in the rain, there was nothing but sharp, twisted metal touching the windshield. I get the look enough from people that I actually share a bloodline with ... I'm not about to put up with that from a stranger.

So, anyway, grandpa came over and I had some satisfaction when he started muttering about never seeing a bolt/nut/washer like that ... and then had to literally tear the thing off in pieces, even though he DID have needle nose pliers.

We only replaced one of them. The other is in the back seat, and I'll be making the guys at the garage replace it when I take the car for inspection next week.


Paula aka. Zani said...

I KNOW that look! I HATE that look. Nevermind that it usually comes after they find the hammer lodged in the (insert name of whatever pissed me off here) and after a screaming fit that turns the air blue.

If they want us to fix it ourselves.. they need to put it in real simple instructions.. with pictures... on the front of the package.. installation with a butter knife optional!

*calms herself*

Glad you got it worked out, Sis.

*smooches* Love you!

Nyxmyst said...

*pees herself giggling* Oh gods, I love you. I really really love you..... you re-re. :P

Divine Chaos said...

*beams & preens* I'm all mechanical and stuff. And I have tools! Who needs a man?

Nyxmyst said...

And this is why I won't let you touch tools... or crazy glue.. or glitter, for that matter.

Paula aka. Zani said...

You can come decorate my house any day Sis.. I got plenty of spiders you can paint.. and we can get glue and glitter.. maybe you can even decorate Tony!!! :D


Divine Chaos said...

pfft, I fixed that picture with the superglue and didn't even glue myself to anything ... and I'm hella good with a hammer. Got a plumbing problem, a carpentry job, need a light changed, or a lock installed?? Just let me get my hammer ....

*giggles maniacally*

Nyxmyst said...

Yes dear *pats your head and starts hiding the hammers*

Divine Chaos said...

oooo I wanna decorate Tony. You think gold or silver glitter? maybe some dangly glittery scarespiders on his ears ...

Divine Chaos said...

*smirks at Nyx* I have lots, you'll never hide them all muahahahahaha

Alice said...

Hammers are the best.... I can remember me and a roommate in college putting together some "do it your self" bookshelves with butter knives(hey I didn't have a screwdriver) and a hammer... They weren't very pretty- oops I forgot we were drinking.


heathersister said...

Ok, so the first thing I am thinking is "she is totally having meltdown from nicotine withdraw" and then I am thinking "I hope she didn't go running for a smoke after that". So, I still have my fingers crossed you didn't.

But, I love your discription of the tools you use. Have you seen that picture of a womans tool kit that includes a butter knife and a high heel.

OMG, your comments are cracking me up.

Jenni said...

my husband is obsessed with the smells and sounds of our car. i always just convice myself it's the car in front of me.