Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dear Lane 15 ...

Dear fellow Walmart customers in Lane 15:

To the gentleman standing behind me, I'm sorry if I scared you when I snapped at my rather cute and hyper daughter, "Go ahead, ask me for one more thing. I. Dare. You." You jumped a little, and you are kinda scary looking, and ...well, I wouldn't want to startle you in case you're packing heat. I'd hate to be the cause of you whipping out an uzi and mowing down half of Walmart, myself included.

To the 12-year-old running the register: First let me say thank you for being so friendly to everyone in line; however, I am not really interested in your back problems, your lack of hours, your inability or unwillingness to stay after your shift, how cold/hot you are, what kind of car you drive/want, how many times you've come in on your day off, or that today is a bad hair day.

I have no clue why you would have back problems .. you're only 12. Seriously.

Oh, also, before I forget, if you call me sweetie, honey, baby, or sweetiepie one more time, I may deck you, right here front of God and all my fellow captive lane-mates of Lane 15, where we spent a good chunk of our evening, due to the fact that you were the only lane open on this side of the store.

I'm sure you're just trying to be friendly, but honestly, I don't need some 12 year old calling me sweetie in a condescending tone. Wait until you're my age, then you can do it to children your age. Sweetiepie.

I just want to pay for my pita bread and go home, babydoll. You see, I've had a long day too. I've been up since 2:30 this morning because I fell asleep at 10:30 last night, and I can only sleep 4 hours a night now that the nicotine is gone from my system and my hyperactivity is rearing its ugly head again. I have also had my recommended 8 glasses of water today, and have made a total of 976 trips to the bathroom already, and if you don't shut up and check us all out, you're going to have to call for a cleanup on Lane 15, 'cause I'm due for trip 977. I'm not just dancing because I'm happy, sweetheart. Why would I share this with you, you might ask. Well, so you'll know why, when I reach out and flat-palm you right between the eyes. Honey.

I would watch out for the 6 people behind me, who are going to have to make the 10 mile jaunt to the other side of this superstore when you clock out, since you're the only lane open on this side and you've announced that you're clocking out in exactly 30 seconds. I hope you have mace, the guy behind me looks like a serial killer ... and I already spooked him when I snapped at my daughter.

Much love,
Customer #12 of Lane 15.


Nyxmyst said...

*just falls over laughing*

Paula aka. Zani said...

Really starting to think that wallyworld is just not your friend.

I think if you had bitchslapped the little twit everyone in line would probably have put you in for sainthood. Totally deserved under the circumstances.

*giggles* I really do love you a LOT, Sis. *smooches*

Irish Gumbo said...

LOL thrice over, my dear! One of the funniest things I have read today.

"I'm not just dancing because I'm happy, sweetheart." A gem, truly. I said that out loud, and it works with either a sweet, West VA drawl (which I imagine you to have)(I like sweet drawls) but it also works with kind of a Humphrye bogart sheer, too.


aequitas said...

*all the while struggling to contain my self*
It's just a shame there wasn't an image of you chewing on a Nicorette patch and mubling curse words under your breath... wait thats someone else we know :)

Tempestuous said...

*giggles a LOT and hugs you muchly*

Nyxmyst said...

Btw my darling sister.. I do not think you're drinking enough water. You shouldn't have been able to contain your bladder that well. :P

chug chug chug

Me said...

Most excellent. We should shop together sometime. That way, when I go off on the person who brings 23 items into the "12 item or less" line and then proceeds to write out a CHECK while we all wait, I won't be the only one tearing into some jack-ass. You can get the cashier and we'll tag-team.

heathersister said...

LMAO,again. I freakin' hate HellMart. Don't you hate it? But sometimes you just have to go there because it's hard to go back to the grocery store and pay $3.99 for bagels when they are $2.68 at Hellmart. I hate them for that too.