Monday, July 25, 2005

Teddy Bear Hamsters are from the Devil

So, me and pooh were just sitting here thinking about hamsters .. please don't ask why .. it's disturbing. but anyway, we were thinking about them and chatting in my head, like we do sometimes, about these two cutesie teddy bear hamsters that I used to have. Their names were Sonic and Tails.

~you play too many video games~ yes I do, pooh, shut up.

anyway, I always wanted hamsters when I was a little poohbear, but my mother is scared of rodents .. literally. She shrieks and will throw anything she happens to be holding and causes a huge commotion and nearly gives the poor animal a coronary. So needless to say, she wasn't too hip on me having little furry rodents in a cage.

So, anyway .. when I moved out of my mother's house, of course, I went right out and bought my two sweet adorable fuzzy demons.. er .. hamsters. You remember, Sonic and Tails .. stay with me here. They were only like $10 each so I got two. I got the cute little playland cage for them with all the tubes and food dish, water bottle, bedding, etc. etc. and $150 later, I left the store with my prized hamsters, both girls as I requested.

~are you sure they were girls~
yes pooh, the man assured me they were both girls and a salesman wouldn't lie now would he?
shut up, they looked feminine.

They were so cute and sweet and loveable and cuddleable and all the other -able words you can think of. After about 2 weeks, lo and behold there was an immaculate hamster conception! I looked into the cage one morning and there .. my two GIRL hamsters .. had a litter of 6 babies. (insert all the appropriate awwwwwwwwww's here) they were adorable little naked rat looking things and it was so sweet and precious and we had a lovely family of hamsters then.

I watched them grow up and it was a wonderful family time. Well, obviously my two girl hamsters were miracle workers because two weeks later, we were blessed yet again with a litter of babies! Well of course I couldn't bear to split the family up so I got a bigger home for them .. a 10 gallon fish tank, more bedding, more food bowls, water bottle, etc. and everything was beautiful.

A couple weeks later .. I check the cage, feed the little darlings, and I find ... 4 litters of babies. F O U R separate litters. My little darlings are growing horns about now, they look like little demon spawn and are starting to nip my fingers .... and eat their young, which I found particularly revolting. So, I thought I'd better read up on hamsters a bit more because at this point, they are packed into these two cages like sardines and new babies are sprouting up out of nowhere every day.

~read quick, they're multiplying even as we speak!~

So, I ran out to the library the next day, found a hamster book and hung out there while I thumbed through it, skimming to the important parts, and nearly fell out of my chair. It seems hamsters gestation period is 15 days. When they are around 20 days old they are mature enough to have their own babies .... and they're not particular about who's mating with whom and how often. I ran home ... literally .. ran. More babies sprang forth from the pine bedding like Pegasus from the body of Medusa.

I called the pet store and said very calmly ... I'm being overrun with hamsters, would you care to buy the babies? They're miracles really .... it all started with the TWO GIRLS that you sold me. He informed me that they don't buy baby hamsters locally ... I informed him of a few things too and hung up.

I called the pet store in the mall and explained my predicament, they were a little more agreeable, maybe because I wasn't shouting, and said that they would pay $2 each for the babies but could only take a certain amount at that time. I said that was great and threw a few in the box and took them to sell. While I was out I got another tank, because I had to separate the ones I had left. They were fighting and eating each other and the babies and it was just really gross.

so I went home with the second 10 gallon tank .. to add to the first 10 gallon tank and the playland cage, and more tubes for them to run through and a wheel, another water bottle, more food dishes and bedding ... and the the little demons had had more babies while I was gone.

These nasty little buggers were just smirking at me as they popped out more babies.
I called around to all of the pet stores in our area and the bordering towns, no one wanted babies ... I offered to pay them to take them. They sounded scared and refused. Every day there were more and more babies, they seemed to multiply hourly. I was up to about 50 or so hamsters by now and all the females were having babies every 15 days. That adds up to *counts on her fingers and toes* ... A LOT.

I went out again for another tank .. wondering fleetingly what would happen if I just let them all go in the yard .. but I figured they'd come back in the house and terrorize me while I slept ... leaving babies everywhere in the house instead of just in the tank .. so I just kept buying more tanks for them.

I sold a few here and there when the pet store was low on them and finally .. 7 tanks, one playland cage, about $200 worth of food dishes, bedding, food, water bottles, 200 hamsters and a lot of lasting trauma later .. I called the pet store and said .. I've had it! You've got to take them all. They were having a hamster shortage .. thankfully .. and agreed to take every one of them. So we packed them up in a box ... all of them .. crammed into a box like sardines. They were nasty too, we had a lot of albinos from all the inbreeding and they had razor sharp teeth and red eyes ... I'm convinced they were "from the debil" as Waterboy's mother would say.

We ran out to the mall, grabbed the box out of the car and started into the mall. A couple of them escaped in the parking lot .. and I just ignored it. We got into the mall and the box tipped, and about 10 of them escaped IN the mall.

* ex husband looks at me, very tiredly* - you think we should catch them?

*I looked at him, probably very scary looking, wild eyed, hair all jacked up from the stress of getting the little biters into the box, and I'm sure I had a little crazy on my face when I heard the shrieks * -nope

We walked .. briskly .. through the mall to the pet store, unloaded the hamsters, got the cash, and walked to the exit.

A small white blur crossed our path

A lady screamed

Teddy Bear Hamsters: $20
Cage and Accessories: $200+
The shrieks of unsuspecting mall patrons when hamsters attack: Priceless.