Saturday, August 15, 2009

Today, We Cry

My stepfather has been the source of much laughter and happiness since I was quite little. I'm not sure how old I was, but there are only one or two of my memories that he was not a part of. He took me in as a child and raised me as his own. I have been blessed with 2 daddies.

It took years for me to feel this way. When I was little, I called him daddy once and he told me no, he was not "daddy." He told me that I had a daddy and he was not there to replace him ... and I, being about 6, did not understand that. There was a lot of turmoil between us as I grew up because of that single interaction. Obviously he didn't love me, because he wouldn't let me call him daddy, right? I threw it in his face several times through my teens, "you're not my DADDY, remember??" And what do you suppose he did? He had the nerve to just keep on loving me anyway.

When we moved to WV when I was 8, he searched high and low for just the right horse for me .. a spirited colt, which he broke himself. Or rather, she broke him. I'm not sure exactly which happened lol. That rotten horse loved him, though.

He would spend hours and hours in his shop, hand loading bullets or building gun stocks, carving them, making things, fixing things .. and I would just hang out down there with him "helping."

He taught me to shoot when we first moved here too. They have a 64 acre farm up on the mountain, so we had plenty of room up there. We used cow-patties as targets .. hehe. Explosive fun! After a while, he would take me on top of the hill and point out leaves in the pond that lay on the other side, down in the valley, and have me shoot those. I'm actually an excellent shot, because of him.

He taught me to drive on a 4-speed GMC truck, out in the field. My mother would grab my baby sisters (who were 5 and 1 at the time), take them in to the house and lock the door when I got behind the wheel. I'm not sure what she thought she was accomplishing 'cause really, if I wanted in I'm pretty sure the truck would have gone right through *grins*

He is extremely smart, as well as being terribly silly. He makes us all giggle on a pretty regular basis. I don't think I've been around him at all in the last 10 years that he has not had me in hysterics at least once during each visit. Between spider conspiracy theories and deer training he is always a great source of giggling.

I have learned much from my stepfather over the years. He is the most moral man I have ever met. Honest to a fault. He is truly a jack-of-all-trades and is always tinkering with something. One of his trades is gunsmithing and would build guns for people, or do carvings on the stocks for them, and then proceed to point out every single flaw, even the most minute. Even the ones that you cannot see while they're being pointed out to you.
He and my mother have had their ups and downs for the last 33 years, but they have always come through them. Both of them are stubborn as rocks and refuse to ever give up on each other. I have rarely seen a love that could weather -any- storm .. but I've seen a couple, and my mother and stepfather are one of those.

I have been truly, truly blessed to have 2 daddies.

One of my daddies was taken from us Thursday night when my stepfather died suddenly and sent us all reeling in shock that will not soon leave us. There is, and will ever be, a huge void in all of our hearts with his loss. He was the backbone of our family, the level headed one, the fixer of all things. My mother has lost her other half, my sisters their daddy, and I .. I have lost this man that loved another man's child, that took care of her as his own, this man that I love for being there for me, no matter what .. my 2nd father.

Please pray for my family, my mother especially. She needs it so much right now. I know the sun will shine again, the tears will eventually stop and only make an appearance occasionally. One day we'll smile again. I know the world will keep on spinning and we have to spin with it, whether we like it or not. It seems right now that our world has stopped and the rest of you are just spinning on past us, though. Tomorrow and tomorrow, we will smile when the sun breaks through the clouds and touches us once more, but today ... today, we cry.


Chloie said...

My condolence to you and your family..

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

My prayers are for all of you.

And maybe tomorrow, when the sun shines, you'll know it's him, your 2nd daddy, your mom's true love, your sisters' daddy, sending down his love to envelop you all.

You know, he's cracking silly jokes up with The Father Above - the One who sends 2nd fathers like yours to love on His kids...

Paige Lacey said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

He sounds like a wonderful man, and you were so blessed to share your life with him. Be happy for the time you had with him, the things you learned from him, and the memories you have because of him. The storm will pass, and your entire family will be stronger for having gotten through it together.

You are all in my prayers.


Midlife Mama said...

Hearts that shatter from grief eventually heal, but within the cracks left behind are memories of those we have loved.

My prayers are with you and your family as you navigate these troubled waters. Know that your bloggy friends love you and surround you with virtual love.


Paula said...

Lots and lots of hugs and prayers for you and your family Sis.

I know we have already spoken on the phone.. but you call me whenever you need to talk more. You know I am always here for you.

I love you bunches.

Jeve (aka John and Steve) said...

I am so sorry for your loss. That was truly a beautiful eulogy. I just about lost it when you said how wonderful he was and how he loved another man's child. Thank you for writing that and being vulnerable and sharing it with all of us. I can tell he will be missed.

Divine Chaos said...

thank you all so much for your words and prayers. he was truly a wonderful man, and i am blessed to have had him in my life.

Karen said...

Hi, you don't know me but I stumbled onto your blog and have been lurking!

I am soo sorry for your loss and you are all in my prayers!

Divine Chaos said...

thank you Karen.
you go ahead and lurk all ya want :) I like comments, but I don't write for them .. I just write for me, it's a kind of self therapy so my head doesn't blow off. If I can make y'all smile or comment or giggle with me along the way, that's just a bonus!

Tempestuous said...

Oh Sis I'm so sorry to hear that. *tight hugs* You and yours are always in my good thoughts but tonight I'll send the extra special kind out.


BootSector said...

OMG I'm so sorry I didn't know...
I know he's wonderful cause I know you...

Callighan said...

My condolences dear Divi.
I'm sorry that I haven't checked your blog often. I've only recently known of this dreadful news through Boots.
I pray and hope that you''ll have strength and wisdom in whatever grief you feel.

"Unchain the colours before your eyes,
Yesterdays sorrows are tomorrows white lights"

Crazy Charm said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is truly a beautiful tribute you've written.