Friday, August 6, 2004

spider conspiracy

well, here we are again .. me and pooh .. yup, i'm schizophrenic and so am I .. anyway .. i'm here! I should be in bed 'cause i have to start work at 5 a.m., but ya know, drinking loads of extra sweet kettle brewed tea after having deprived yourself of caffeine for a week kinda makes your eyes go O.O .. like that. so i'm the tiniest bit WIRED. sooooooo trying to think of something to rant about.

~you should have saved some of that tea for morning, 'cause you're gonna need it~

yeah i know pooh, i'm gonna be snoozing in the morning. good thing i work at home. I've thought about calling in dead, but they require 2 weeks notice for death, so that's probably not a good idea.

ok so here's my question....

where do ants come from? i mean really .. i've got a herd of ants running around my stinking house. they won't leave. you'd think that after i'd taped some to the wall as a warning to the others that they would get the picture, but no, they just stand there on the tape and make fun of the ones trapped under it. You can almost hear them laughing amongst themselves 'cause Bubba had to take one for the team. I've done everything i can think of to get rid of these ants. They took up residence here about a year ago. I read somewhere that they can stay alive underwater for a ridiculously long period of time. So I thought I'd experiment with that.

I left an empty soda bottle sitting out on the desk .. in plain view of the herd. They sent out runners to check it out .. about a million of them .. all in the bottle. So, while they were distracted by the pretty bottle with the sticky soda in the bottom ... by the way, why do they always go for the sticky stuff? they're not too bright, they get stuck in it and then they die ... anyway, while they were distracted, i dumped some water into the bottle, stuffed some tissue into the top and poured water over it so that it would swell so they couldn't get out.

~someone has way too much free time~
yeah? well shut up pooh, if i didn't have so much time on my hands I wouldn't be talking to you now would I?

So, I left the bottle sitting on the desk for 2 days .. it was a glass bottle, clear .. so that the rest of the herd could see the fate of other ants that dare trespass in my house .. the glass made them look kinda big .. which should have been scary for the other ants, but it seems my plan backfired. The other ants thought it was some kind of miracle growing potion in the bottle and they started plotting to take over the world. They were crawling all over that bottle trying to get in. one of these days the little suckers are going to figure out that if all the ants in the world band together they could carry us all off .. shh don't tell them .. they can't read so i'm safe here, but never never say anything about it out loud.

but that's not what i was gonna write about today, i was gonna write about something really profound ..

~blank stare~ (cue crickets)

i need to tell my stepfather about the ants. He has a spider conspiracy theory and i'm beginning to think the ants are part of it.

Crazy ~that would be the stepfather~ and I were at the store one night, chatting it up while we were getting ready to close up for the night. He swept and mopped .. not one of those fly by jobs .. he was really thorough, getting in all the corners .. he comes back through and right in the middle of the floor is a dead spider. He points it out to me and says .. "Runner. "

so of course I'm standing there with blank look on my face, but that's nothing new.

He says .. you didn't hear the spider conspiracy theory?

I say .. no, what's up with the spiders?

he says.. well they are spies.

I just look at him, 'cause I know he's about to go on a tangent. He has gotten progressively crazier for as long as I've known him .. so i'm just waiting for this earth shattering theory that he's come up with. Seeing that this is the man that goes leaping through the house like a fairy when the Nutcracker is on TV at Christmas time, I'm figuring it's gonna be a doozy.

He starts explaining, the spiders are spies, they send out runners to listen in on our conversations so that they can inform the human bosses of what's going on. Like when it's been a pretty dead day, no customers at all .. everyone is bored to death so they all decide to sit down to have some lunch. No sooner than the first leg hitches up to slide onto the stool .. ding ding ding .. here come gas customers .. then the deli customers, the phone is ringing off the hook, the food is getting cold, everyone is going crazy and the people that should be toting the "stupid" signs with them are asking all the stupid questions they can think of .. it's the spiders. they've informed everyone of our status ...


of course i look at him like he's a lunatic .. while trying to choke back the laughter.

He just grins that crazy grin and says .. just wait and see.

so i laugh and go on about my business .. 'bout all you can do when he starts in on something like that ..

a few days later we're standing at the front of the store, chattering away again, talking about how slow it is ..

i say .. i'm gonna fix some lunch .. whatcha want?

he's grinning

i think .. ok he's loopy today ..

then i see it.

one lone spider has dropped from the ceiling and is hanging right between us, just above eye level. I swear he has a tiny notepad and pen and is taking notes .. I squint at it, it's wearing an ear piece.

he points at it with that "told ya so" look on his face, serious as can be, and says .. told ya. it's a conspiracy.

i'm creeped out 'cause spiders are just *shudder* creepy crawlies .. but i'm thinking it's a fluke and I flee from the front of the store before the nasty little freak like TOUCHES me or something.

He's proven this over and over to various members of our family .. the spiders always drop down at the exact right moment .. and while we all think he's nuts, he does have a point.

I'm thinking the ants inform the spiders and the spiders inform the humans ~nods vehemently~ gotta tell Crazy that the conspiracy is bigger than we thought .... as soon as he's done dancing.