Thursday, May 20, 2010

Lola and Sarcasmo

The GPS lady-voice is so accommodating and kind, isn't she?  For those of you that do not own or have access to a GPS unit for your car, let me tell you that robot voice is very sweet.  If you make a wrong turn, she doesn't judge or harass you, she just very pleasantly says, "Recalculating route," and then tells you where to go from there. 

After my adventure in driving yesterday, I have decided that I need a male GPS.  Not only a male voice, but one that sounds frustrated and is dripping with sarcasm, maybe sometimes rather rude.  I need one that sounds like my friends. 

I was driving along yesterday and the nice GPS lady, we'll call her Lola, said to turn left in 3 miles and enter the highway.  I smiled and said, "Ok Lola, I just have to stop right here at the store first."  And Lola said that was fine, 'cause she's very kind and would never judge me for stopping to grab Diet Coke and a bag of chips for breakfast. 

The store was at an intersection and when I came out, I promptly forgot that I was supposed to turn left in 3 miles and turned left at the intersection.  Lola's soothing voice embraced me gently as she said, "Recalculating route,"  so I knew that I had made a wrong turn, but she was so nice about it, I figured it was ok and just kept on going while she recalculated.

Now, if I had the sarastic male GPS, I wouldn't have added an extra 30 minutes to my driving time with that one little turn because the conversation would have gone more like this:

Sarcasmo:   Turn left in 3 miles, you think you can handle that?

Me:  Yes, but I have to stop and get breakfast.

Sarcasmo:  A bag of chips and a bottle of Diet Coke?  You know that's loaded with carbs, right? 

Me:  Yes but I got DIET Coke.  That cancels out the chip calories.

Sarcasmo:  Suuuurrreee it does.   Wait .. you just turned left!   Are you deaf, woman?  I said in THREE MILES.

Me:  Oh my bad, but it should still be alright, I'm still going south, right?

Sarcasmo:  (loud sigh)  Perhaps if I hack into dispatch and post state police at every turn for you .. since you are incapable of passing one without rubbernecking?  Will that work for you?

Me:  Oooo that might work.

Sarcasmo:  You're still going the wrong way. Turn around RIGHT NOW or I'm gonna blow your sorry butt off the planet! 

Me: Surely it can't be that bad, and I'm already going this way.

Sarcasmo:  Well, if you fancy driving local, 2-lane, 40-mile-an-hour roads, sure it's just fine. FINE .. Recalculating route for the directionally challenged ... AGAIN.  Turn left in 35 miles .. did you get that?  THIRTY FIVE MILES ...LEFT.  Time to reach destination?  TOMORROW. TURN AROUND YOU IDIOT!

It might be even more productive if the GPS had a "Gibbs Slap" attachment.

Anyway, yeah, coulda shaved off a lot of driving time if I'd just had the right GPS.  But, I made it home, so I guess that counts for something :p


Captain Dumbass said...

Gibbs slap? Ahahaha! That's awesome. You can get celebrity GPS voice overs. Jack Nicolson would be good, his voice would sound insulting even if you did follow the directions.

Divine Chaos said...

Nicholson would be perfect!! Insulting, annoyed, derogatory sounding voice to keep me on track LOL

Paula said...

One that sounds like your friends? Would we do that to you? We love you, and are supportive.. and ummm.. we are hellful. *grins*
Would we be sarcastic like that, Sis?
I agree.. Jack would be perfect! Add that to the state cops at every corner.. that would be some trip home! Yum!

Crazy Charm said...

Oh my gosh...Hilarious! I think about this all the time. The GPS woman is so passive aggressive. Then, after you've really messed up and she's had it, she's all, "Please drive to highlighted route." ha!

Shell said...

That is hilarious! I'll keep my nice-sounding gps lady, though. I get totally stressed out when I don't know where I'm going.

But, I'd like to turn on the sarcastic/mean setting when my husband is the one driving...LOL

Stopping in to welcome you to SITS!

Just Lisa said...

LOL! Except I need a sexy guy GPS though... "Turn right ahead. You look great in that shirt, by the way. You've lost weight."

I came by to welcome you to SITS! We're happy to have you with us!

Divine Chaos said...

Shell and Lisa, glad to have ya stop by!

Lisa, I'd never make it where I was going if I had a sexy man voice complimenting me. I'd get all flustered and make all kinds of wrong turns LOL

Divine Chaos said...

Charm, by the time I was done she wouldn't just say "please drive to highlighted route," she'd be all like "Just camp out, you can no longer get there from here." I get THAT lost lol

Paige Lacey said...

Like with all new technology, I'm a hold-out until everyone else already has one and the stores are *giving* the gadget away, so I don't have a GPS. BUT, from what I understand, the American-voiced chick is waaay b*tchier than the British chippy.

Personally, if I could choose, I'd take the voice of a southern woman in her late-30's/early 40's who has three or four kids and a husband named Bubba at home for my GPS voice of reason. Oh, the places we'd go!

Besides it seems like most men become speechless when they're in the passenger seat on trips with me behind the wheel... Okay, speechless *and* nauseated. On the up side, it's hard for them to give directions while they're shouting "Watch out!" with a white-knuckled grip on the oh-crap handle.

Bunch of babies.

Divine Chaos said...

OMG rofl . Paige, I just love ya, girl .. you crack me up!!

LambAround said...

I want this! I would secretly install it on Sexy Nerd's GPS and enjoy his reaction :)
Currently, our GPS is an Australian woman...a creepy choice on Sexy Nerd's part as my mum is also an Australian woman.


judge said...

Mine don't even do "recalculate" HE did it mentally and continued with the next closest direction that could undo the damage I've done.

So when am supposed to go left and I keep going straight... it will go like.

"After X kilometres turn left."
"Keep left."
"Keep left now."
"Turn left."
"Turn left now."

I could've sworn I felt a life threatening tension in the voice...

PS :

Divine Chaos said...

see that's the kind of GPS I need! A bossy one! lol

pfft, you can ask nice if you want that picture *sticks her nose up in the air* you haven't talked to me in like .. forever!

Sha'ahn said...

Hey SITSTA!!! Love your blog! We've got some things in common. Im following you. Please do the same! LOL

Trooper Thorn said...

And when you buy chips for breakfast, the glove box could pop open and a nice shiny apple could appear.

Divine Chaos said...

I don't trust shiny apples that just pop up outta nowhere. Too Snow-White-ish for me. Maybe a banana .. or a mango =)

And darn you, I got all happy thinking you were a state trooper *le sigh* :p

Thanks for dropping by!

Divine Chaos said...

Sha'ahn, SITSA! I'm following ya and lovin' the blog =) Thanks for popping by!

Divine Chaos said...

Lamb, that is pretty creepy .. you coulda saved some $$ and just let your mum ride in the backseat and tell him where to go!