Thursday, August 5, 2004

The Attempted Abduction of Crystal

As some of you may recall ...I had to work about 792 hours the week before last while kenzie was at camp and I got suckered into doing 5000 things. So after I work 12 hours of overtime for my real job .. I had to go to work for 4 hours with the crazy man (my stepfather, for those of you that haven't read my previous stories about him). He has a darlin' mannequin named Crystal .. this is her story.

I go to work for my mother at her store and find out .. joy of joys .. I have to work with Jack. He attacks immediately.

He asks me if I've heard about Crystal (the store's mannequin that stands outside in hunting garb for most of the year .. my mother hates her)

I know it's going to be long and drawn out and my sides will ache afterwards .. but I can't stop myself.

I say... no, what's up with Crystal.

He grins his insane grin

~smacks herself in the head ..d'oh!~

He says there has been an attempted abduction and that she is very traumatized by it (the mannequin, not my mother .. my mother is just traumatized by the mannequin herself.. he says that my mother tried to run her down in the parking lot, but he has yet to prove this, as there were no witnesses to the fact, .. other than my mother's sly grin when she says, I wouldn't do such a thing). ....

ok, before we go on, let me fill you in on Crystal. She's a tall, svelte, blonde mannequin that was abandoned by the previous owners of this store. Crazy realized her potential right away ... the annoyance of my mother ... so he kept her. She takes her place every morning at the storefront, usually dressed in camoflage and holding what looks like a bazooka. Sometimes she wears shorts and tied up shirts .. People come from miles around (to hear him tell it) just to take pictures with her .. and someone shot a little video with her a few weeks ago. So she was well on her way into a new career on the silver screen. All this came crashing down .. literally .. in the great kidnapping attempt of 2004.

Crazy was in the bait shop and heard a voice outside hollering "can I keep her? can I have her?"

He assumed that the voice was addressing him and he yelled NO .. he mosies out of the bait shop ( he mosies everywhere) to see what the hullaballoo is about .. and this guy has taken Crystal from her place..where she was chained ... and is dancing around the parking lot with her .. hollering to his wife, who is trying to dig a hole under the car to crawl into, "Can I have her?!"

Crazy tells him he has to put her down .. 'cause he might break her. The guy does so .. reluctantly .. she's quite a hottie, after all. Well, as he turned to go back to the car ... over she toppled and her arm and cheek were broken in the fall.

Needless to say, Crazu was quite upset. He picked her up lovingly and carried her to the Bronco so he could take her home and patch her up after work. My mother .. hoping for the best .. asked if he wanted her to take Crystal to the dumpster. no such luck.

Anyway, so he's telling me about this whole attempt on Crystal's life. I'm obviously already sucked into this tale .. so I say,

So what are you going to do with Crystal? Was she broken badly?

He wrings his hands and looks heartbroken ... She was doing so well, I guess I should have expected her to have a stalker. She's been doing the whole modeling thing and just last week she starred in her first movie. She was on her way to a budding career in film.

I nod sympathetically as he continues on his trip into insanity.

Well, I just don't know how I'm going to pay the bills with the plastic surgery she needs. I think we're going to go under. She's going to need therapy too, it was very traumatizing for her.

I am trying very hard not to laugh, but it's not working at all. He plays off of that, trying to get me to just break down into hysterical giggling.

I nod solemly, knowing that my eyes are filling with tears 'cause I need to let the laughter out .. but determined he's not going to win this one..

I lean forward from my perch on the barstool and say... yeah, she'll probably need some inpatient therapy at the psychiatric hospital, want me to call and let them know she's coming?

He frets a few minutes, pacing back and forth in front of the counter, .. and then throws his hands up in the air in desperation ... I just don't know what I'm going to do, I can't trust just anyone to take care of her like I do. She's in a very fragile state after "THE INCIDENT" and I'm afraid her spirit might be broken in a place like that. But she does need something, the people around here are talking about her and it is really affecting her mental state.

I'm losing it .. not gonna be able to keep up with this charade much longer. I just look at him, trying to think of something to say.

He gives a sidelong glance .. trying to hide the grin of the certifiable. He knows I'm about to break.

I just give words of encouragement .. he can sell the store to pay the plastic surgeon and no cost is too high to take care of Crystal! We'll sell the farm! Have fund raisers in her name! We'll erect skyscrapers and create foundations for battered mannequins of the world .. POWER TO THE PLASTIC ..

... ok i'm grasping at straws to win this one and he knows it .. and doesn't even crack a smile!

He finds his way to the counter, sitting one stool down from me, looking pretty dejected .. and slowly, he smiles the smile of someone who has had a little light go on over his head .. bubbling with hope at his newest idea.

I brace myself, knowing it's all over, he's been setting me up for this line for 30 minutes, so I know it's going to be a doozy. He takes a deep breath and says .... Maybe she'll qualify for


NOOOOOOooooooooo HE GOT ME! I dissolve into hysterical laughter.

He grins, victorious once again.