Friday, August 8, 2008

It was a dark and stormy night ...

a shot was heard .. the maid screamed ... no wait, wrong house.

*This* house is actually quiet .. *gasp* Shock! I'm not sure I know what to do with quiet anymore.

Most days I'm in the line of fire for a neverending game of 20 questions, peppered with the "Hey, look at this" and "Did you know" games. (for those of you that don't know .. these are usually only played when Mom is busy working, has her hands full, and/or is on the phone).

The players of this game are as follows (this week):
Princess -- The 16 year old mother.
Pookie -- My 10 year old.
Lil Bit -- The 16 year old's daughter, who is 17 months.
Shortstuff -- The 5 year old here for a week.

Princess: Does this look cute?
Me: yes, it's fabulous.

Princess/Pookie/Shortstuff: Hey, look at me making a stupid face.

Princess: Does it make me look fat?
Me: No fatter than it made ya look yesterday. (This is after days of asking me if the same outfit makes her look fat and days of me telling her no).

Princess/Pookie: What do you want me to do with the towels?
Me: I'd like you to do some complex origami and make them into wild cats. We'll call it Crouching Tiger, Hidden Towels.

Princess/Pookie: Where do they go?
Me: On the roof, that's where we always keep the towels. Whatever you do, DON'T put them on the towel shelf in the bathroom.

Princess/Pookie: Hey, look at this spider .. and kill it.
Me: Kill him yourself, or get used to having him around.

Pookie/Princess: Hey, look at this picture of a cat.
Me: yes honey, I've seen it .. I've seen all of them .. over and over .. at least 72,305 times, just today.

Princess/Pookie: Do the puppies need to go out? (asked at least 72 times a day, but only after I've yelled at least twice that many times that someone better take the puppies out before they flood their cages)
Me: Not if you don't mind bathing them and cleaning their cages with a pressure washer every couple hours.

Princess/Pookie: Where's the bread?
Me: I keep it in the dog house.

Princess/Pookie/Shortstuff: Did you know she has (insert something large, sharp and dangerous and/or a choking hazard)? (asked about Lil Bit).
Me: Don't you think it would be a good idea to TAKE IT AWAY FROM HER?!

Shortstuff: Did you miss me?
Me: Were you gone?

Princess/Pookie/Shortstuff: Where is my (insert various personal items here - shoes, shirts, pants, brains)
Me: I don't know, it's not my day to watch it.

Princess: Can I go out?
Me: No
Princess: Why?
Me: 'cause the house is a mess and I've been telling you all day to clean it up.

Shortstuff: Did you know I missed you?
Me: *awwwws and hugs her* (okay so I can't always be a smart aleck lol)

Princess: Did you know Josh Turner is gonna be at the fair?
Me: Really? *yawn* Nice try changing the subject.

Princess: What if I clean it all when I get home?
Me: How about you clean it before you leave.
Princess: But they're on their way!
Me: Guess you better hurry then.

Shortstuff: The baby is taking my (insert everything in the house).
Me: Then quit teasing her with it.

Princess/Pookie: Did you know we were out of milk?
Me: Bet you could find a cow to milk if ya looked hard enough, I've already been to the store 70 times this week .. you shoulda put it on the list.

Princess/Pookie: Hey, look at the baby.
Me: Yep, she's still a baby!

Princess/Pookie: Can I have (insert 20 million different things)?
Me: Sure, as soon as you go out and find the money tree.

Shortstuff: Can I have (insert various different food items)?
Me: *Bangs head on the desk*

Princess/Pookie: What's this? (usually hollered from 3 rooms away with the expectation that I will be able to see through the wall to answer with any accuracy)
Me: It's a mouse on steroids!

Shortstuff: You don't have a husband, where is he?
Me: I took him to the circus and left him there.
Shortstuff: You couldn't bring him back?
Me: Nah, he wanted to stay with the other donkeys.

Princess: Hey, take a picture of me.
Me: Hey, Narcissus .. how about no? How's that grab ya?

Lil Bit: Dis? (from the baby .. can mean many different things, including but not limited to "What's this?" "Can I have this?" "Look, I have this even though I'm not supposed to have this and just wanted you to know before I go streaking through the house with it.") No matter the translation, this is usually followed by squealing and running.

Princess: Did you know there are a ton of cute boys outside?
Me: Get me the shotgun.

So, anyway, in the midst of all that today I had to go to the store. The girls were left with instructions to clean their rooms, 'cause we just rearranged and converted the playroom back into a bedroom and there was a LOT of clutter. I came home to find Pookie lounging in Princess' room, not doing a thing (which is because she has been following Princess' example of hanging out as long as possible after being told to do something, just to see if the vein in my forehead starts throbbing) ...and I, being the mild mannered, soft spoken, always rational kind of mom that I am .. went completely ballistic on Princess and Pookie.

Apparently, I put a good scare into both of them because my house is clean .. and I didn't have to say another word after the blow up to get it that way. Princess cleaned up her room, put all her clothes away (and man does that girl have some clothes), and then came out and washed a load of laundry, folded 3 loads that were waiting around to be folded, put them all away, cleaned the living room, and took the puppies out WITHOUT me reminding her .... of course, while she was vacuuming (of her own free will) the vacuum went kerflooey and there was lots of smokey badness going on .. but, I don't think that one was her fault. The vacuum now resides in the garage where all dead appliances go. Pookie also worked on her room and took her turns taking the puppies out as well, without me reminding them incessantly like usual.

It was actually quite pleasant .. which is a good thing 'cause I got this horrendously long dictation today, took me an hour and a half to type one report. There was no reason that it should have been that long .. there's no reason ANY dictation should be that long. I was so annoyed by the time I was done I wanted to smack the doctor in the mouth.

First, it was a death summary -- from April. Way to be punctual, doc!

Second, the doctor insisted on dictating each system (cardio, infectious disease, renal, etc.) in a different paragraph and describing the entire hospitalization for each system, which is WHY it was so long. It would have been so much shorter if he'd just dictated it all together.Third, I swear it was like South Park dictation. With each system, he started from the beginning of the hospitalization and worked his way through to the end (this was a 6 month hospitalization) .. and each paragraph ended with something to the effect of "The patient expired"


By the 5th system I was a bit annoyed ... by the 9th I was muttering under my breath ... "ooo wait .. lemme guess what happened next!!!"

By the 15th system, I was plotting the dictator's untimely demise.I hate my job. I want to line these doctors up and slap them all.

They re-dictate crap that is already in the chart. They repeat themselves over and over within the same report. They never spell a city or county name. They rarely spell the patient's name, unless it's something really really difficult to spell .. like .. "Joe" ... gah .. I wanna kick them all.

bleh ..anyway .. I'm done rambling. It's almost time for Princess to be home .. I need to lock the doors now :)